Vulnerability

I’ve been contemplating this on many levels lately. Vulnerability and what it is to be a human being. I was talking with someone a few days back about my fears and concerns about going into a new internship and the feelings of not really knowing what to do. Their response was that I know what it is to be a human being, and can help people, so I can rest in that. It brought be great relief because ultimately that is what helping others comes down to, being a human being.

In the world of psychology, we’ve created so many labels and boxes to put people in so that we can think about them better or come up with ways to address certain symptoms and have “scientific” treatments of it. There are theories that can explain human suffering down to the mother’s breast or the father’s penis. Some of its helpful, some of it I think creates more neurosis in the therapist, creates separation and intellectualizes a lot. Being a human being resides in the human heart, and the rest of psychology should really assist that.
There’s a great amount of vulnerability in being a human being. Client’s come in and they think they are going to be labeled with a diagnosis, or seen the way they feel they are seen in the rest of the world. Yet, there they are in therapy and at some point become vulnerable and share their insides, their internal worlds, their hopes and fears. Many times, they don’t have anyone else to talk to. This is extremely humbling work.

Yesterday, someone was talking about a client and I felt a sadness about the person that they were struggling in the world to get love and found people running away from them. I took a risk to share my reaction about this, and that I related to feeling clingy. More conversation ensued, and then people also shared that they to have been clingy. And, there we were with this person we’re trying to help, feeling what its like to suffer in ourselves. It seems like a more honest place to work with others. At least to me, in this moment of time.

It takes a tremendous amount of courage to be vulnerable. It opens us open to the possibility of love, trust and healing….but also rejection, labeling, aversion and judgment. And, it’s a choice we continue to make as people in the world because ultimately it would seem the payoffs are greater in the end. Or, are they?

On a more personal note, I had decided to open myself up and be vulnerable with another person. Its been confusing and instead of doing my usual thing of shutting down and pushing them away (though I tried). I thought I’d communicate and work through it. I felt it was bringing me closer to the person, and my feelings were getting deeper than I expected, even in the face of pending impermanence, which is always there. Little did I know that it was making them care less about me, and label and judge me in a way that I find so incredibly painful and shocking.

It makes me think about people coming in to counseling with greater psychological problems and trauma in their lives, and what a precious gift it is to love a person and hold them with all that they bring. To try to understand it, to see it from their point of view, to find ourselves in another person, to experience their suffering and our suffering without making it seem like they have a problem is a beautiful thing. I wonder if that is why therapy is so healing or sought after in the West. It doesn't seem like people really know how to do this anymore and even need training programs. When someone isn't perfect, the feelings fade and the other person has a problem. Most often than not, what we see or dislike in others are parts of ourselves we haven't accepted. It makes sense though. If we disown our own pain and vulnerability, how can we love another's? It's easier to think something is wrong with them. And, there are so many people in our world that think there is something wrong with them. Myself included.

We are all the same and suffer, but it shows up differently in all of us. We're interconnected, if we don't want to admit it. Loving a person’s perfections is the easy part. Loving another because of their imperfections and moving through that is another thing entirely. That's why vulnerability and continual opening of the heart takes courage, even when it hurts. That’s the true gift.