The Lotus and The Peacock

3 Steps to Better Stress Management

2010-05-01T17:56:00.001-07:00

Our bodies are designed to respond to stress, which can a perceived threat or when our resources outweigh the demands of a given situation.

When this happens, a whole slough of chemicals cascade through our bodies, signaling fight or flight responses that are supposed to keep us safe. Then, our bodies should return to a resting state. However, since many of us aren’t in danger and we commonly experience a great deal of pressures and responsibilities in many areas of our lives, we commonly experience a permanent state of stress response that results in a lot of negative symptoms, including depression, anxiety and ill health.

While we cannot eradicate stress completely from our lives, it’s possible to find a way to relate with situations so we experience them as less stressful and to manage the stress we do experience in a more positive way. Some of the things I often share with people about how to manage stress seem quite obvious, however when we are feeling stressed out, they are the FIRST thing we forget to do.

Listen to Your Body

Seems super obvious, huh? However, this seems to be the very first thing that is let go of. Yes, we lose our sense of our bodies in the face of stress. I know it’s happened to me. I’ve had nights of feeling overwhelmed with so much work that I needed to get done. So, ignoring my body’s signal of exhaustion and fatigue, I pushed myself forward trying to accomplish more…and most likely at less quality. Do you know what happened? I got sick! And, it cost me a few days of recovery time during which I couldn’t focus on anything because I didn’t feel good.

If we take the time to listen to what our body tells us in terms of hunger, rest, taking a break…we will feel more productive and be much more healthy in the long run.

Remember to Breath

Another obvious one, eh? Well, not so much. Haven’t you ever noticed that in a moment when your super overwhelmed or stressed out, that you are holding your breath? I know we all know this, but sometimes we forget that breathing is what brings oxygen and vital nourishment to our blood cells and bodies.

Breath is the flow of life. When our breath is constricted, so are we!!!!!

Eat Three Meals a Day

Yes, three meals with protein and carbs, preferably greens. And, drink 8 glasses of water a day. Snacking without meals messes with our energy levels, as does a large intake of caffeine and sugar without meals. We need nourishment, minerals, vitamins, protein and starches to sustain our bodies and give us fuel. The whole purpose of eating is to provide our bodies with the sustenance it needs so we can live. When we eat snacks, drink lots of coffee and eat a lot of sugar, that impacts our minds and our bodies ability to process experiences, to think clearly and to digest emotional tension.

We are what we eat, so if we eat well, we will live well.

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Stress Management Coaching

2010-04-15T13:36:00.001-07:00

Stress impacts many of us on some level daily.

Many of the clients that I work with express frustration and concern for the amount of demand placed on them in their lives, sometimes feeling quite full and not finding anything they can take off their plates to make things feel a bit more digestible.

The thing with stress is that it builds up in our bodies, our minds and our spirits over time. Our bodies are designed to have a stress response in times of threat to our survival so that we can survive and remove ourselves from threat. In this day and age, we aren’t necessarily facing a threat to our own life on a daily basis, but worries about deadlines, scheduling, work, finances, goals, school, health, relationships can all start to feel like we are fending for our survival on a daily basis.

When our bodies end up in a state of chronic stress response, we experience a great deal of difficult symptoms including health problems, anxiety, depression, inner critic attacks, lower self-confidence, fatigue, inability to make decisions, headaches, lack of desire or even feeling a lack of purpose or vision for life. It’s so intense to realize how many of us spend so much time here when we don’t have too. We can’t make stress and demands of life go away, but we can change how we manage this stress, which will also create a sense of more aliveness and nourishment in our lives.

What I have noticed with many clients I have worked with, is this particular loss of life vision and loss of confidence in the face of the demands of life. Even with visioning tools and coaching, I’ve noticed that it can be particularly difficult to break through obstacles. And, as I became curious about this for my clients and in my own life, I found stress to be a major factor in having difficulty creating change in one’s life.

Stress management coaching offers individualized coaching, as well as courses full of awareness exercises and practical tools. Coaching supports you to identify particular ways that you experience stress in your own life, how to develop awareness of the impacts stress has on you, particular situations that trigger more of a stress response for you and to recognize when stress becomes an obstacle for you in experiencing joy in your life. Coaching also offers you the opportunity to learn tools, skills and practices for managing and dissolving the sources and symptoms of stress in your body.

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Streams of Nourishment

2010-04-14T15:19:00.001-07:00

Spring is in the air! The recent rains have been nourishing the earth for days and it's so exciting to see flowers blooming. There is a wonderful scent of jasmine in the air that reminds me how Spring is such an opportunity for renewal. After a long winter, color is bursting forth!

One of the most common symptoms of stress is feeling depleted, drained, fatigued or just plain tired. Another symptom that often goes without attention is the lack of care we give ourselves, forgoing nutritious foods, exercise and, instead, go for foods that might be faster to prepare, more sugar (because it's comforting), less activity once we get home and perhaps a loud voice in our head that tells us what we "should" be doing instead. Does that sound familiar?

One of the biggest things we can do for ourselves to manage stress in our lives is have multiple streams of nourishment that we can go to. A stream travels along, providing rich nutrients and moisture to many living beings and plants, supporting the earth to thrive. In the same way, it is important for us to have multiple streams in our life that provide us with a feeling of nourishment, which is so vital to feeling we have something to offer our lives.

- Take a ten minute break and go outside for some fresh air.
- Get up and stretch your legs, particularly the front of your hips.
- Make a cup of hot tea and take a few moments to breathe it in, savor the flavor.
- Make time each week to do something that brings you joy and relaxes you.

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a gentle reminder

2008-12-03T23:17:00.001-08:00

It is essential that our understanding be translated into practice, not with an idealistic vision that we suddenly will become totally loving and compassionate, but with a willingness to be just who we are and to start from there. Then our practice is grounded in the reality of our experience, rather than based on some expectation of how we should be. But we must begin. We work with the precepts as guidelines for harmonizing our actions with the world; we live with contentment and simplicity that does not exploit other people or the planet; we work with restraint in the mind, seeing that it's possible to say no to certain conditioned impulses, or to expand when we feel bound by inhibitions and fear; we reflect on karma and the direction of our lives, where it is leading and what is being developed; we cultivate generosity and love, compassion and service. All of this together becomes our path of practice.

-- Joseph Goldstein, Seeking the Heart of Wisdom

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A Humble Reminder

2008-11-16T12:51:00.001-08:00

I found this at the Ghandi Memorial Museum in Delhi, India when I went to visit the Ghandi Ghat, where he had been burned after he was killed. I found this "talisman" quite touching and profound, a reminder to step out of my own constant self-referencing. It puts making some decision making in perspective and reminds me not to get caught up in little petty details of life. It so amazing to be reminded that what we do always effects others as interdependence abounds, whether we realize it or not. Given the sour current economic status, our general forgetfulness about making choices to benefit others abounds, among other things So, I thought I'd share this and open it opens up your heart as it did for me.

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Do You Have A Dream?

2008-11-11T20:11:00.001-08:00

There are a few websites now catering to people accomplishing theirdreams, like KIVA and Dreambank. I love the concepts of both ofthese. Its such a positive and beautiful way to use the internationalconnection that the internet has created. Some countries have atremendous amount of resources. Some people have money they would liketo give but dont' know where to look. some people want to work veryhard to create something powerful and meaningful in their lives butlack the resources. These sites can bring these people together in abeautiful way. Reminds me of the movie "Pay it Forward" and that thereare people taking concepts like that and flying with it!

KIVA (www.kiva.org) allows small ventures and entrepreneurs indeveloping countries to get funding to lift themselves out of poverty. You can go to the country of your choice, read through the differentbusiness ventures proposed and then select which one you would like tocontribute to.

Dreambank (www.dreambank.org) is similar to KIVA in that its a placefor dreams to be fulfilled. Except, anyone can post their dream andhow they would like to be supported. Individuals wishing to contributecan search through people's dreams and decide in what way they wouldlike to offer their resources and practice generosity.

I'm excited about these opportunities, particularly given theholidays, the economic times and the chance to return to an attitudeof dreaming, appreciation and generosity. I definitely plan to givethis season, as well as dream and appreciate.

In the spirit of my own dreaming, I did post my own dream on DreamBank (http://dreambank.org/37965/dreams/to_become-37613.html).Feel free to check it out of you like, and even make a contribution ifyou feel so inspired!

Much love and joy as we move into the holiday season, which is a timethat can be filled both with joy and warmth, as well as our biggestrelating challenges and emotional times.

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A Reflection on Meaning

2008-11-11T02:02:00.001-08:00

my reflections for a psychology class....
I’d like to write about “meaning,” or “meaning making”. This is something that has been on my mind ever since the semester started. For me, it is interesting to contemplate the significance of meaning making, particularly in psychoanalysis. I think this has also been sparked because I am taking projective assessment this semester. Is there meaning in every interaction? Do projections mean something? Does everything inherently have meaning? Is meaning something we construct? And, if so, does everything have to have a meaning or can some things simply be what they are?
I am particularly fond of constructivist notions in that we create meaning, both in our relationships, and in the world around us. This echoes to me words of Viktor Frankl’s writing in his book Man’s Search for Meaning. Creating our own meaning can be a very empowering thing, and also gives the energy of hope and newness to being a therapist and coming to each relationship I have in my life. On the other hand, sometimes I experience that meaning making can become quite neurotic and something I have found I can easily get lost in. What did that mean? What did this mean?
I think that sometimes things just are what they are. And, sometimes I find it difficult to make sense of a lot of interpretation that I experience in psychoanalysis. It seems to me that there is a fine distinction between constructing meaning out of our current experiences and interactions, and over interpreting and over analyzing situations and people we may initially know very little about. I feel like this can become troublesome and keep us from really experiencing what is in front of us. I notice, for myself, that sometimes I can start to get really lost about a case or a person if there is a lot of analysis and hypothesizing going on. On the other hand, I see the benefit and utility of meaning making and interpretations in case presentations, projective assessments and evaluating clinical material. I think what I am realizing for myself is my fondness of allowing for space for meaning to bubble up organically, and to refrain from interpretation until I have more information, as well as trust my own intuition.
Trusting my own intuition hasn’t come easy for me, and there are still times I act counter to what my intuition tells me. These actions don’t usually yield favorable results either. And, often my intuition guides me in the meaning making process. Sometimes it is clear that an interaction, case or test result is quite meaningful, and sometimes it is not. Also, this reminds me of our discussion about the unformulated. When an encounter with something meaningful arises, it appears first as a feeling and a symbol before it is put into words. It is non-conceptual before it reaches our habit of concept forming. I think that sometimes, at least for myself, it’s easy to move straight into the conceptual mind part of things and miss the unformulated, experiential aspects of meaning making.
What is meaning? When an event is significant, it has an emotional quality that impacts us. I think of powerful emotional sessions I’ve had with clients who really opened up a tender part of themselves. And, to me it meant something about our work together. We would process sit and discuss how powerful and meaningful it was for our work together. Only, at the next session, we are back to old enactments and patterns. Does it make the previous session any less meaningful? No, I don’t think so. I think this points to the intangible, unformulated and impermanent aspect of human experience. There is deep experience that passes and does not stay the same forever. What can mean one thing in one instant, can mean something very different in the next. Even as I write this reflection, I take pause and wonder if my writing makes any sense. Will it mean anything to you? How do my thought and questions relate with interpretation and meaning making within the framework of psychoanalytic thinking? This is a question that will be on my mind for quite some time I think.

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partnership for peace

2008-10-20T23:49:00.001-07:00

A lot has been going on, and nothing at all. Riding subtle waves of the uprisings in my heart, witnessing little demons revealing themselves to me. Offering them a small plate of a delightful meal, I try to befriend them, not to keep them at bay, but in hopes of peace. I try to see that as many knots as there, many have been untied. With the rising and swelling, comes the drawing out, withdrawing, pulling away.Its no longer useful to wish it wasn't this way. Humbled, an occasional tear streams down my cheek to witness both the nourishment and desolation this exploration reflects in my soul. Instead of fighting it off, which it will ignore and never leave, I sit here, making theselove offerings and extending my hand to these deepest parts, in friendship and with grace.

(inspired by:

"We can never obtain peace in the world if we neglect the innerworldand don't make peace with ourselves. World peace must develop out ofinner peace. Without inner peace it is impossible to achieve worldpeace, external peace. Weapons themselves do not act. They have notcome out of the blue. Man has made them. But even given those weapons,those terrible weapons, they cannot act by themselves. As long as theyare left alone in storage they cannot do any harm. A human being mustuse them. Someone must push the button. Satan, the evil powers, cannotpush that button. Human beings must do it."

--The Dalai Lama, in The Dalai Lama: A Policy of Kindness,edited by Sidney Piburn)

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bliss and pain

2008-10-06T20:52:00.001-07:00

Someone shared this with me today....I love it, as long as one doesn't get lost in the pain, and can transform it through being in it. We can't know bliss or love, really, without also knowing pain.

“People are afraid of themselves, of their own reality; their feelings most of all. People talk about how great love is, but that's bullshit. Love hurts. Feelings are disturbing. People are taught that pain is evil and dangerous. How can they deal with love if they're afraid to feel? Pain is meant to wake us up. People try to hide their pain. But they're wrong. Pain is something to carry, like a radio. You feel your strength in the experience of pain. It's all in how you carry it. That's what matters. Pain is a feeling. Your feelings are a part of you. Your own reality. If you feel ashamed of them, and hide them, you're letting society destroy your reality. You should stand up for your right to feel your pain.”
~Jim Morrison

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the moment

2008-10-01T20:05:00.001-07:00

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A New Relationship Model?

2008-09-30T12:04:00.001-07:00

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/kathlyn-and-gay-hendricks/the-obama-relationship-a_b_128896.html

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Living and Dying Well

2008-09-29T12:29:00.001-07:00

This is a paper I just wrote as a commentary for a workshop I took for credit at school.....

Meditation: Our Ally in Living and Dying Well

E MA
At this time, when the bardo of meditation appears to you
Abandon the accumulations of distractions and confusion
Rest in the nature of non-wandering and non-fixation free from extremes
Achieve stability in the development and fulfillment stages.
- From Six Root Verses of the Six Bardos

A bardo, in Tibetan means “in transit” or “in between”. It is a “gap”, an experience of a duration of time with a certain beginning and a certain end. In Mind Beyond Death, Ponlop Rinpoche discusses the six bardos, which are divided into the three bardos of experiences of life and the three bardos of dying and after death. The three bardos of life are the Natural Bardo of this Life, the bardo of Dream and the Bardo of Meditation. The three remaining bardos include the Painful Bardo of Dying, the Luminous Bardo of the Dharmata and the Karmic Bardo. In this paper I will focus on the bardo of meditation and how it helps us when it comes time to experience the bardos of death and beyond death, particularly through teachings on meditation and my own experiences with meditation and studying the teachings of Vajrayana Buddhism.

    According to Ponlop Rinpoche’s teachings, in order to prepare ourselves to die well, to traverse the bardos of dying and after death, we must train ourselves to live well.   He says, “If we miss living well, we miss dying well.” If we cannot work with our minds and emotions in this life, how can we expect to be prepared to face our experience at the moment of our death? What does it mean to live well? The practices of meditation, training to work with our minds and emotions, help us to live well. We can become familiar with our own minds, harness the energy of our emotions and understand the nature of many of our experiences. This is the beginning of living well. It is life that we can understand death, which Rinpoche describes as being another moment, another experience. In fact, practicing meditation in the Bardo of this Natural Life helps us to understand the empty, impermanent nature of the appearances of mind, as well as the little moments of time in our lives. We all experience gaps in our current experiences, gaps in our life circumstances, such as when a friend moves away, a relationship ends or someone close to us dies. We are left with a certain end, which is often thought of in Buddhist traditions as the best opportunity to practice meditation, the best preparation for understanding death. This is a time when we can become most familiar with our own mind habits, emotions and our struggle against relating with what is and who we are. Is this different, or more difficult, for Westerners than for individuals born into traditions with a different understanding of the foundation of who they are?

    Ponlop Rinpoche touched on the different points of view in the West and the East, particularly the Judeo-Christian, typically Western or American, view of original sin and the Buddhist view of being originally pure, or as I like to say “original purity”. As a Westerner, this view has effected my own self-esteem and view of myself. Training as a Buddhist and in adopting a Buddhist on experience has lead to an experience of awareness and unraveling of these conditioned beliefs in being “bad” or that something is “wrong” with me. Meditation has helped me to understand more what is meant by “appearances of mind” and clinging to these appearances as solid, which I will discuss further in this paper.

    Living in the West, is easy to overlook the view of “original sin” as being so pervasive within our culture. There are constant messages being delivered through media resources, Internet advertising, traumas we experience, our family, our friends, peer groups and the messages we receive about ourselves through social norms. There is an attitude in our culture of an “ideal”, whether it is an ideal man, woman or child. There is a constant “measuring up” mentality and striving towards some way of being that will bring some kind of final satisfaction. Ponlop Rinpoche shared a saying from his culture that Westerns are always preparing to live, always preparing to “be” something, which misses the point of living entirely. As a therapist in training, I frequently come across clients who feel that there is something “wrong” with them. This feeling of something wrong has lead to depression, anxiety disorders, substance abuse and a wide variety of other suffering in their lives. They wish to reject parts of themselves that are “bad” and want to be someone “different” than who they are. They only want to experience the “good” parts of themselves. This is an experience I am all too familiar with. I have wished to reject parts of myself or thought it would be better to try to be different. Ponlop Rinpoche writes,

“One aspect of the desire to be someone else is the tendency to reject our own experience…when we try to escape our emotions by changing them into something else, then the experience is no longer genuine. The key is to be who you are, which involves both courage and wisdom. We do not heedlessly accept who we are and jump into our confusion. On the contrary, we relate to the basic state of our being with mindfulness and awareness, and we appreciate that…it does not help to try to be someone else. (112)”

During a meeting with my own teacher, she reminded me that I am both good and bad. It is in accepting both of these parts of myself that I can discover peace and find my own Buddha nature. This is our genuine goodness, as Ponlop Rinpoche also teaches, our Buddha nature. We are all Buddhas, but are confused. He teaches that we have a tendency to avoid our weaknesses and inflate our strengths, which give us a sense of false security.

Chogyam Trungpa writes,
“We must be willing to be completely ordinary people, which means accepting ourselves as we are without trying to become greater, purer, more spiritual, more insightful. If we can accept our imperfections as they are, quite ordinarily, then we can use them as part of the path. (44)”

It seems difficult to understand how to accept imperfections, especially in a culture obsessed with perfection. I remember one of the first times my teacher pointed out to me one of my own more unconscious mind habits, which was jarring to me. It felt like I had been sitting in a very dark room for a very long time and someone suddenly turned on very bright lights. It was illuminating and painful. There it was. This giant blind spot that in my practice I tried to push up against, deny, drop, change, give up, fight and hate. And, that was the problem. I wanted to be perfect and I wasn’t. In his lecture, Ponlop Rinpoche discussed perfectionism as an obstacle on the path. He describes perfectionism as aggression towards oneself. It has been quite difficult for me to understand this and something I continue to work with in my own practices and journey on the path, which has been far from perfect. Ponlop Rinpoche shared, the path doesn’t have to be perfect. If it is perfect, it is already the fruition and not the path. The path is about showing up as who you are, which I have always found to be confusing. Who am I to show up with all these flaws to the path? In order for us to heal and locate our Buddha nature, we must be willing to look into our flaws and be with them, instead of rejecting them or being aggressive towards our own minds. It is in this way we become friends with ourselves and discover appearances for what they really are. Meditation practice, which is a practice of non-distraction, can help to break through this and become familiar with our own minds.

    Rinpoche says “the strongest blind faith we have in life is perceiving everything as real without questioning.” We take for granted that everything we think and experience is real. What does this mean? In normal, every day life, we generally think of things as existing or not existing. Something exists if it is tangible and readily perceived through our sense fields. If it does not exist, we are not able to perceive it. The appearances of an object or the emptiness of an object are mutually exclusive. However, in Buddhist teachings, “appearance” or form, and “emptiness” are inseparable. This is the basis for meditation practices, as well as other forms of Buddhist practices such as dream yoga. In the Buddhist view, there is relative and absolute truth. Relatively speaking, the chair I am sitting on is solid, fixed and real. It is holding me up, providing me with support so that I can type and construct these sentences. On an absolute level, if I analyze the composition of the chair down to an atomic level, it can be broken down into nothing at all. In this way, everything can be broken down from its form and into emptiness. How does this relate to working with our minds and meditation?

    Chogyam Trungpa writes, “…The practice of meditation is just dealing with the basic neurosis of mind, the confused relationship between yourself and projections, your relationship to thoughts. When a person is able to see the simplicity of the technique without any special attitude …He begins to see thoughts as simple phenomena, no matter whether they are pious or evil thoughts, domestic thoughts, whatever they may be. (46)”

If we can sit in meditation with this view and understanding of emptiness and appearance, we can begin to experience the thoughts, which are the mind’s phenomenon, for what they are. They appear to us in form but are also empty by nature. Ponlop Rinpoche writes that beyond thoughts we can touch upon pure experience and have a non-dual experience of ourselves. It’s the misperception of the nature of our mind that prevents us from transforming our negative emotions such as anger, fear, anxiety or positive emotions such as joy in the bardos related with both life and death. Meditation is a training ground for us to experience our minds differently, to begin a new relationship with our minds and to empower ourselves to transform our emotions and experience true freedom. Chogyam Trungpa writes that in the West it is considered to be freedom to act out one’s emotions and express all of one’s thoughts, that this is actually not freedom; it is acting out conditioned scripts. It makes us prisoners of our own conditioning. Instead, what is freedom is being able to see the nature of our emotions and thoughts. He writes, “The Bodhisattva will experience strong impulses to tell people how things ought to be. But instead of acting on these impulses, the Bodhisattva regards them as manure to work through, an expression of his insecurity.” Our experiences become food and nourishment for our practices rather than a source of our suffering. This is the journey of the path and what aids us in both living well and dying well.

    Pain and death exist, but how we relate with it changes our experience. It does not mean that we won’t feel pain, but that we can change our we relate with our pain. These have been the basis of all of the Buddha’s teachings. The way out of this suffering is through meditation, and understanding the nature of mind. Vajrayana teaches that wisdom and neurosis both exist simultaneously in the mind and in emotions. As Ponlop Rinpoche writes, when we can experience the wisdom and nature of our emotions, perceptions and thoughts we can see that they are purely mental fabrications. These experiences are energy that we give solidity, concepts and meaning to. My own teacher has always taught me to train myself to practice in states of high emotion. There was a time when I was with a couple of friends and found myself getting angry. It was frustrating and I noticed my mood start to change. I wanted to tell them to stop behaving the way that they were, to tell them that there was something wrong with them. I applied a practice and the effects were amazing. My state shifted after about ten minutes and I was able to relax. What I noticed was how much my friends were suffering and how they were acting because of it, and I felt compassion for them. I had resisted experiencing their suffering, which created my own suffering and insecurity. Through applying a practice, I experienced a moment where I realized that I had control of my own experience, and that my own initial experience contained both wisdom and qualities of emptiness.

It is interesting to consider the emptiness of our experiences. The example that Rinpoche uses is quite helpful here. If we consider anger by looking at yesterday’s anger from today’s point of view, or today’s anger from tomorrow’s point of view, we see the illusion, dreamlike quality of it. Meditation can help us to further accomplish this experience of the mind and emotions in general. Meditation can give us the experience of mind as empty, and also of gaps. Gaps between thoughts, moments, feelings. Meditation helps us to develop concentration and insight into these experiences. It is also the training we need to prepare ourselves for the bardos of dying and after death.

In the painful bardo of dying, as well as the bardos that follow, Ponlop Rinpoche teaches that the journey of the mind continues following the dissolution of the physical body. After the last breath leaves the body, mind continues to exist and appearances of mind, or our mind habits, emotions and styles of relating to life become more vivid to us. This becomes another opportunity for us, if we have not already, to realize the nature of our mind through meditation practice. However, if we have not trained ourselves to work with our minds in this way, the experiences that follow physical death can be filled with much more fear, anxiety and suffering. If we can train ourselves to relax, relate to our mind experiences through our meditation practices, we can guide ourselves and recognize death as another opportunity for liberation and discovering the nature of mind. In this way, it is absolutely apparent how necessary it is begin to live well and relate with our minds while we are alive so that we are prepared for moments that are difficult to think about, but are inevitable. It requires discipline and a continuous reminder to us of how precious our lives really are. It can be easy to have a conceptual understanding of what these teachings mean but more difficult to integrate the teachings into our everyday inspiration and experience of life as a path of practice for living and dying well.

In my own personal practice, I have gone through many phases, some full of inspiration and others full of hopelessness and complete lack of discipline. I have found that meditation has connected me further with my insecurity and bad habits and that these are not parts of myself I can escape, but are intertwined with the parts of myself I enjoy. The most difficult thing for me has been to accept this, to let go and relax. Meditation and living well is a constant series of letting go, relaxing, letting go, relaxing and letting go more. I am only at what seems to me the beginning of my path, and I have already experienced many rewards, and challenges. Ponlop Rinpoche shared during the workshop that life does not inherently have any meaning. It is in fact a Judeo-Christian view that there is a meaning or purpose in life. In Buddhism, there is no purpose in life. But, this is not entirely a hopeless situation. He also shared that life has the meaning and purpose that we give it. That means that we have the power within ourselves to live life well through giving our life meaning and purpose. Our purpose in life can be to live well, to accomplish benefit and good for others and to transform our negative habits. Meditation is our greatest ally in befriending our innate goodness, as well as training us to have the discipline we will need when meeting our minds during our moments of death. While unraveling the mind and facing insecurity may seem daunting, it can ultimately be the most empowering and liberating thing we can do for ourselves now and at the moment of our death, which can be the moment of our enlightenment.

Bibliography
Ponlop, Dzogchen. (2006). Mind Beyond Death. New York: Snow Lion.
Trungpa, Chogyam. (1976). The Myth of Freedom. Boulder:Shambala.

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Make A Wish

2008-09-26T16:45:00.001-07:00

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A girl, a kitty and her camera.

2008-09-22T14:00:00.001-07:00

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security?

2008-09-18T20:57:00.001-07:00

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Untitled

2008-09-04T19:34:00.001-07:00

The more anyone loves the sound of invisible waters,
the more he tears bricks from the wall
to toss into that unseen river, drunk with that sound
which the loveless hear as just a splash. - Rumi

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Lama Tenzin and Himalayan Kids Trailor

2008-09-03T18:50:00.001-07:00

This video is for Lama Tenzin is a Buddhist monk and a close friend of mine who runs the orphanage in India. This is a trailer for a short film of his journey to Dolpo to bring back children to his orphanage in India. I have spent some time at this orphanage and it was one of the most amazing experiences of my life. If anyone has any questions or feels inspired to help in any way, please contact me for more information about how to do that.

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Vulnerability

2008-09-03T18:34:00.001-07:00

I’ve been contemplating this on many levels lately. Vulnerability and what it is to be a human being. I was talking with someone a few days back about my fears and concerns about going into a new internship and the feelings of not really knowing what to do. Their response was that I know what it is to be a human being, and can help people, so I can rest in that. It brought be great relief because ultimately that is what helping others comes down to, being a human being.

In the world of psychology, we’ve created so many labels and boxes to put people in so that we can think about them better or come up with ways to address certain symptoms and have “scientific” treatments of it. There are theories that can explain human suffering down to the mother’s breast or the father’s penis. Some of its helpful, some of it I think creates more neurosis in the therapist, creates separation and intellectualizes a lot. Being a human being resides in the human heart, and the rest of psychology should really assist that.
There’s a great amount of vulnerability in being a human being. Client’s come in and they think they are going to be labeled with a diagnosis, or seen the way they feel they are seen in the rest of the world. Yet, there they are in therapy and at some point become vulnerable and share their insides, their internal worlds, their hopes and fears. Many times, they don’t have anyone else to talk to. This is extremely humbling work.

Yesterday, someone was talking about a client and I felt a sadness about the person that they were struggling in the world to get love and found people running away from them. I took a risk to share my reaction about this, and that I related to feeling clingy. More conversation ensued, and then people also shared that they to have been clingy. And, there we were with this person we’re trying to help, feeling what its like to suffer in ourselves. It seems like a more honest place to work with others. At least to me, in this moment of time.

It takes a tremendous amount of courage to be vulnerable. It opens us open to the possibility of love, trust and healing….but also rejection, labeling, aversion and judgment. And, it’s a choice we continue to make as people in the world because ultimately it would seem the payoffs are greater in the end. Or, are they?

On a more personal note, I had decided to open myself up and be vulnerable with another person. Its been confusing and instead of doing my usual thing of shutting down and pushing them away (though I tried). I thought I’d communicate and work through it. I felt it was bringing me closer to the person, and my feelings were getting deeper than I expected, even in the face of pending impermanence, which is always there. Little did I know that it was making them care less about me, and label and judge me in a way that I find so incredibly painful and shocking.

It makes me think about people coming in to counseling with greater psychological problems and trauma in their lives, and what a precious gift it is to love a person and hold them with all that they bring. To try to understand it, to see it from their point of view, to find ourselves in another person, to experience their suffering and our suffering without making it seem like they have a problem is a beautiful thing. I wonder if that is why therapy is so healing or sought after in the West. It doesn't seem like people really know how to do this anymore and even need training programs. When someone isn't perfect, the feelings fade and the other person has a problem. Most often than not, what we see or dislike in others are parts of ourselves we haven't accepted. It makes sense though. If we disown our own pain and vulnerability, how can we love another's? It's easier to think something is wrong with them. And, there are so many people in our world that think there is something wrong with them. Myself included.

We are all the same and suffer, but it shows up differently in all of us. We're interconnected, if we don't want to admit it. Loving a person’s perfections is the easy part. Loving another because of their imperfections and moving through that is another thing entirely. That's why vulnerability and continual opening of the heart takes courage, even when it hurts. That’s the true gift.

Don't Forget Where You Came From

2008-08-19T13:22:00.001-07:00

From Daily Dose of Dharma (aka Food for Thought)

It is helpful in learning to appreciate and develop your ability tochange to think about how you have changed over time. You are not thesame person you were ten years ago. How are you different? What wereyou like before? Would your present self and past self be friends ifthey met? What would they like and dislike about each other? How didyou come to be the person you are now? Your ideals, thoughts, andopinions have changed; what has replaced the old ones and why? Byreviewing the changes that have occurred, you can savor the growth andprogress you have made, and appreciate the benefits the process ofchange has brought to your life.

When you notice how much you have changed and developed even withoutconsciously trying, you can see how much you could grow if you made areal effort to change.

-- Tarthang Tulku in Skillful Means

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Gearing Up .....

2008-08-05T23:03:00.001-07:00

I have less than two weeks left at my job, and then I'm back to school. After dinner tonight with friends from school, I'm remembering all the things that will come with being a student again. And, I'm starting to feel some anxiety about how I'm going to make it through this year. I can have hope and faith, but where there ishope, there is fear and it might be better to have some sort of plan. I've always said that life is what happens when your making plans, but it might be better to have some sort of idea of what I'm doing and howI am going to do it. That doesn't mean I have a clue, only this far.

If I am disciplined, I could finish my dissertation proposal this semester. I was supposed to work on it the year I took off from school. Instead, what happened was that I went to India and gave a talk on my initial topic and fell out of love with it. Then, became inspired by it again. Then, uninspired. The cycle continued, then I stumbled upon a new topic that feels fresh and inspiring. Now, I am not sure how to write a proposal for a theoretical dissertation and amtrying to figure out where to start with all the reading I have to do. In a couple of weeks, I need to figure out how to do this while juggling my coursework and my practicum work. And, since money is something I need to have a plan about, I want to focus on getting my coaching practice started. Not to mention throwing internship applications into the mix! I can't believe I left that out. My pre-doctoral internship applications are due on November. Since most applications are 15 pages and require a lot of writing and other paperwork, this is NOT something I can leave to the last minute.

Baby steps? Good time management? Sponsorship from the Buddhas of all Three Times?

*head spins*

What I need to do is take a deep breathe. I'm leaving my job and having a lot of different feelings about it. I'm entering into a"bardo" between then and now, all the meantime residing in "now." My stomach is tight and there are still loose ends and cycles that needc ompleting. Tomorrow is a new day.

I keep thinking about traveling. India. Thailand. Morocco. France. Italy. Anyone?

Download now or listen on posterous

breathe in.mp3 (4358 KB)

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plastic bags?

2008-08-04T22:39:00.001-07:00

There have been a lot of topics floating around in this ol' head of mine today to write about. I have a lot of little links I've found that I could post, or bullet points from the weekend. I'm realizing how much I'd like to start a spirituality and psychology blog. But, I just found something that has inspired me more to write in this moment.
I've never considered myself a huge environmentalist. I love a clean coastline, the idea of naturally occurring ecosystems NOT being destroyed. For example, there are very FEW remaining wetlands in Northern California. Even these, are being encroached upon and these eco-systems struggling to stay alive.
Here and there, I've considered my impact on the planet. I recycle, I try to use less water, I try to be mindful of products I by and their impact on the environment and my own body, and I try not to waste. But, I have a huge collection of plastic bags below my sink for use in emptying cat litter. I'd like to find an alternate method....start using cloth bags and compostable garbage bags. Especially after scrolling through this:

http://www.poconorecord.com/apps/pbcs.dll/article?AID=/20080506/MULTIMEDIA02/80505016

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Paris

2008-08-01T17:18:00.001-07:00

So, lately I've been having this desire to go to Paris again. Maybe it's the french movies I've been watching, or another influence of the French variety. But, walking by the river, sipping cafe drinks and gazing at Notre Dame sounds really good right now. Not to mention popping out of the American mentality for a little bit and hearing people chattering in another language. After that, I'd go to Venice, Italy for the best Italian food in creation overlooking the canal, listening to the peaceful sound of water.

*dreaming*

It's Friday. ;)

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Will Always Wonder

2008-07-31T21:32:00.001-07:00

I have two more weeks at my job before I embark on a new journey. Well, part of it's new and part of it is getting back on the ol' ship and carrying on. One thing I always forget, until it's happening, is that I'm not totally fond of saying goodbye. I've gotten a lot better about it, more graceful even over the years. The thing about being in social work is that when working with many people, leaving a job effects a lot of people. And, leaving a social work job isn't like any other job I've ever left before.

I went to a "facility" today to meet one of my clients and discuss treatment planning and his goals. When I met him, he was homeless (well, living locked up in a garage or streaking around naked high on crack) and was difficult to pin down. Most of the times I met him involved the police department, angry psychiatric social workers and a mother who had put her hands up a long, long, long time ago. Finally, one day, after his third arrest and lock up in a temporary facility, I looked at the psychiatrist straight in the eyes as he told me there was nothing they were willing to do for him. His mother started sobbing and he started trying to pick things up off the floor to eat. I took a deep breathe, looked at his mom and teared up. I looked back at him, in his eyes, and said we'd be here again and pleaded for him to give me a week to find something for him. He miraculously agreed, but only gave me 48 hours. In a flurry of other crisis at work, I found him a conservator, got him into a psychiatric/drug rehab program and a way for him to get there. It was a miracle as apparently seven other case managers tried and he always lept out of the car....but, I had him transported in an ambulance. Anyway, he's doing a lot better now. I think he's going to start going outside on walks this week and depending on whether he stays or runs, much better things are in his future.
As I left the meeting today, I realized that when I leave my job, I will never know what happened to him. My heart swelled up knowing that this is how this work goes. I have a long list of people I worked with last year, my first clients, that I will never forget and always hope their lives are better. Or, if they are the same, that I helped them somehow. What I noticed though is how protective I'm feeling of the guy I left today. He won't ever really remember me or care that I left I don't think, but I worry that the next person will be able to make sure he gets the same standard of care and doesn't end up on the street. Often, social workers get burnt out and tired, which translates into not caring as much or pushing as much for people to help clients when they don't want to. Well, I'm sending energy to him.

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Shifts and Changes

2008-07-27T23:41:00.000-07:00

"My enemies will become nothing.
My friends will become nothing.
I too will become nothing.
Likewise, all will become nothing.”

“It’s like a dream experience.
Whatever things I enjoy will become a memory.
Whatever is past will not be seen again.”

My closest friend is leaving in a few days for a brand new journey, a new chapter in her life. I'm so excited for her, but also feeling very sad to see her go. I met her five years ago and we've been inseparable, practically, ever since. It's funny that we even moved up here together. So, for me, it will feel empty without her here. We've gone through so many changes, shifts, growth spurts, gaps, relationships, joys, sorrows...There are people we meet in our life that we are meant to connect with and be close to. Everyone has a lesson to teach us, if we listen closely. Sometimes it's a quick lesson, sometimes its a lesson that takes lifetimes to learn. This is the kind that runs deep. There were times we never talked, and other times people would often confuse one for the other. Our friendship has never been the same, and never will be as life changes with us. I am incredibly humbled, grateful, joyful and achingly sad to see her go. My heart feels raw, but also happy...it's what it is to be alive. I am wishing her well, and looking forward to visiting her in Colorado

2008-05-04T01:48:00.000-07:00

i sink. into the space that is left behind. efforting not to cling to the thoughts in my mind. smokescreen disappears. want to run to fill this gap, but sit here. until something appears. space. i expand. this feeling arises. my heart becomes a river through my eyes. i breathe.

2008-05-04T01:29:00.000-07:00

Disappointment as the Path?

2008-05-01T21:52:00.001-07:00

There are always opportunities to grow. And, given how common disappointment is in our lives, its possibly the greatest opportunity. It doesn't feel like it right now though. I'm not sure what is a bigger disappointment, finding out that things are not what they seemed, or that things not being what they seemed has broken my heart. I wish I had something more eloquent to say right now. But I don't.

Life happens and lessons unfold in mysterious ways. Disappointments can serve as a wake up call, and I am thankful I have the three jewels in my life right now. Otherwise I wouldn't know what the wake up call was for. I am every so thankful and appreciative for that.

I love this Rumi poem and find much needed refuge in it:

My heart.
Sit only with those who know and understand you.
Sit only under a tree that is full of blossoms.
In the bizarre full of herbs and potions, don’t wander aimlessly.
Find the potion that is most sweet.
If you don’t have a measure, people will rob you in no time.
You may take counterfeit coins thinking that they are real.
Don’t fill your bowl with every boiling pot you see.
Not every joke is humorous, so don’t search for meaning where there isn’t one.
Not every eye can see.
Not every sea is full of pearls.
My heart, sing the song of longing like a nightingale.
The sounds of your voice cast a spell on every stone, on every thorn.
First lay down your head and then, one by one, let go of all the distractions.
Embrace light and let that guide you beyond the tumult of desire.
Beyond the tumult of desire, you will find a spring
And nourished by its sea waters like a tree, you will bear fruit forever.

Spirit Flyes to You

2008-05-01T21:31:00.000-07:00

Raw...

2008-04-12T23:18:00.000-07:00

Leaving the movie theater this afternoon after watching an hour and half commentary on the vulnerability of the human condition, I felt a little bit of my own. I love emerging from the cool darkness into the bright light of the outside world. Today, the world felt even more vivid and bright. And, warm. I could feel the heat of the day pushing against me, the breeze brushing my hair and the brightness enlivening the world around me. And, there, walking down the street I could feel this space in my chest where my heart is, aching, heavy and raw.

There is a lot of groundlessness in space. Its not something I've ever been comfortable with until the last year or so, when I decided to make an effort to work with it a little more. Sinking into insecurity, I can feel myself go in and out of worry, grasping, aversion and numbing myself out. Wanting to eat to feel full. Wanting to call someone just to have someone to talk to. This is the vulnerability of being human. Ultimately, we are hear with ourselves relating with life and space.

I worry that I made the wrong decisions. I worry that I won't be able to finish what I started. I worry that my ideas and goals are loftier than what I can accomplish. I realize at points its all thinking and fear, but I still worry about these things. And, when I feel the space of alone-ness I have been feeling today, it seems more amplified. All of it.

I noticed something new today. There is something calming about this rawness. I can still walk with my head held up high and breathe into the space of my heart. I can still sit down at a quiet cafe and read a book, play with my cat, watch a movie and see that nothing changes....even when everything changes and now I have no idea what's going to happen next. In this precise moment, I feel grateful.

A Fantastic Reminder...

2008-03-14T00:12:00.000-07:00

The nature of everything is illusory and ephemeral,
Those with dualistic perception regard suffering as happiness,
Like they who lick the honey from a razor’s edge.
How pitiful are they who cling strongly to concrete reality:
Turn your attention within, my heart friends.

NYOSHUL KHEN RINPOCHE

Nothing for the Dharma

2008-03-11T12:22:00.000-07:00

As I contemplate the Mahasiddha tradition, I think of practitioners who went on tremendous journeys to find their teachers, to seek teachings and sacred texts. One such story that has been close to my heart, is the story of Milarepa, who was a simple human being, a saint, a Mahasiddha, a practitioner, and someone who made numerous journeys, mistakes and grew from them in his heart. When I found out that I would be going to India for a psychology conference, Rinpoche
asked me if I would travel to Manali, which is in the foothills of the Himalayas in Northern India, to find a text for her. The text I searched for is the story of Milarepa's life with his consort, which is not the traditional story we all know about Milarepa. I agreed to take on this mission with much excitement and nervousness.

Armed with little information, one name, and a few landmarks, I left for India. After the conference I took a train to Dehradun hoping our community friend Lama Tenzin would be able to help me. He couldn't track down any leads and took me to meet his uncle, who had family in Manali. His family was away from Manali at the time due to the harsh winter, so he gave me the name of a friend there who would pick me up from the bus station. Feeling a little anxious that I didn't make much headway, I communicated with Rinpoche about my progress and made every attempt to stay focused on my trip, which was not always easy.

Traveling alone in India is challenging to say the least. Many times buses broke down or were late, there was an accident, people in the villages did not speak English, there was no food to eat, or the places I had arranged to stay along the way were closed, or didn't exist. However, I also felt that since I was in communication with Rinpoche, I was being directed to where I needed to be. Arriving in Manali one day later than I planned, a young Tibetan man met me at the bus. Surprisingly, he had located the Gompa where the text was rumored to be and it turned out they were also his landlords! He said it was within easy walking distance and that we could take off early the next morning.

I realized when I met him the next day for a warm breakfast before our journey that "walking distance" to a Tibetan in the Himalayas is very different than "walking distance" to this woman from America. We hiked for three and half hours up snowy passes with Milarepa not far from my mind - neither was Rinpoche. Climbing up the hill I thought about what it meant to have devotion to a teacher, and, while I still have a lot to learn, every step towards the unknown monastery was a step for her. I thought about how many times Milarepa had to rebuild the houses for Marpa, his master. And, no matter how much I felt I was suffering climbing this mountain, I realized it was nothing for the Dharma, and an act of devotion and heart for my own teacher, Troma Rigstal Rinpoche.

I met with Sey Rinpoche, the head rinpoche for Apho Rinpoche Gompa in Manali, India. He was a gentle, simple, personable man who, on our first meeting, arrived in sweatpants, grey sweatshirt and off-white shawl. I asked him where I could find Rinpoche and he gently laughed and said, "You found him!" We shared some tea together and I gave him the letters I carried from Rinpoche herself and Ngak'Chang Rinpoche. He remembered Ngak'Chang Rinpoche and told me about the time he was last there. We talked about the Dharma and visited for a couple hours. Then, he told me that he did not know what text we were looking for. We discussed this for a while, and he felt that perhaps Milarepa had a deity as a consort, but he knows of no text that says otherwise. My heart sank, until he asked me to come back the next day. I thought that this too, was perhaps another test.

In the end, I was able to have the good fortune to visit with Sey Rinpoche each day of my stay in Manali, to talk about the Dharma with him, and share his love of teas from around the world. However, I was not able to retrieve a copy of the text Rinpoche sent me to find, it may not even exist. Perhaps that was what the journey was about in the first place, not finding the text at all, but finding my own mind. Is this the story of a journey that is not about the goal, like our practice and longing for realization and enlightenment? Is there a secret text? While I have no way of knowing the answers to any of my questions, I am learning to sit with the openness of possibility that the trip created through contact and connection with this Gompa in Manali, as well as the contact and connection that was created between Rinpoche and myself. There were many distractions and obstacles on my journey. Each day held a new challenge and I had to gather my focus and energy, concentrate on Rinpoche and the mission, and open myself to what would happen. There was no shortage of opportunity to work with what she and this journey reflected to me about my mind. I am humbled and thankful. And, yes - I would do it again in a heartbeat! It is a journey I will never forget.

A New Year, A Different Place

2008-01-01T19:43:00.000-08:00

autorickshaws

taxi driver

Delhi Swings...Swingin' in Delhi

2008-01-01T04:57:00.000-08:00

I've arrived in India. The first thing I need to get used to is not being able to breathe here. The air is thick (you can see it) and its dirty. If there was a way to live without breathing, I'd happily do this. Noise and dirt. Hello Delhi! My beloved India and I have been reunited.

I noticed a slight pattern to the chaos of the road on the way to the city from the airport. There are three lanes and people never stay in them. They vear in and out of each lane. And, if someone is trying to pass, the driver will drive between lanes until said car, honking its horn, passes, while nearly missing one in the next lane. The cars merge in and out of this crazy, labryinth like pattern on the highway...and, to add to the confusion, there are people dashing through the traffic, cows, dogs and other assorted obstacles. There were about five near death experiences on the way to my hotel. Its an amazing place to practice relaxing into chaos while holding on, since they don't seem to equip taxis with seatbelts. I asked the taxi driver about this and he jovially demonstrated that his seatbelt no longer works and the governement apparently gave up on trying to enstate them. Go figure. I think it might actually be MORE dangerous to wear a seatbelt here.

I am loving the Tibetan Refugee settlement. I visited the two temples near my hotel to say hello to Buddha and Guru Rinpoche. I am looking forward to walking there in the mornings for my morning meditations. The settlement is away from the city and all the buildings are so close together that if someone walks the opposite way, one of us has to stop and press up against the wall. From my room, with cold marble tiles, I can hear the slight din of the busy highway...

It's time for me to get some rest. I am spending the day sightseeing in Delhi tomorrow. Happy New Year!

Love.

Reflection Time

2007-12-17T20:59:00.000-08:00

I was putting my laundry away last night. Moving around some things in the closet, I came across a box full of old pictures and old journals...pictures of myself growing up, my human rights tour of Tijuana, family trips to Budapest and my old apartment in San Diego. I had a thing back then of keeping everything in a journal, pictures and newspaper clippings along with my thoughts. My life happening along the time line of the world.

I had an entry in 2003 that there was announcement that the war in Iraq was over. You see, I'd been covering it very diligently along with words about what we were doing to people there. And, such joy in my words and thoughts that it was over. It was the same time I was waiting to get into Grad school and writing about the same things I've always worried about. Longing for history to stop repeating itself, not yet knowing that the repetition needs to cease within before it can cease without.

Here we are. This year still at war in Iraq. Still many of the same headlines, although I'd like to think I've given them less air time. Its unlikely I'd journal about the same things, but very interesting to me what I let trouble me about my own heart and my own world.

This entry is turning out to go a different route then I expected. I wanted to reflect on this year, where it was and where it went. It flew by, which makes me think of what my father always says about time...that it goes faster when you get older. This year was like that. I finished my second year of grad school and decided to take a year off. Now, I'm getting ready to finish my paper and head off to India.

India. My first trip I was so excited because I had no idea what to expect, and so much fantasy about it built up in my mind. Beginner's mind. In many ways, I long for it back. Because along with my excitement about traveling to the other side of the world, I have a tightness about the intensity of it and remembering all the lessons I've learned about OPENING to it. I feel really intimidated to be presenting this small paper I wrote with three university professors from England, Israel and South America respectively. And, then I am alone there trying to travel up north, which is NO easy task. Its another planet.

Today I sit here. Three weeks from now I'll be somewhere where my concepts are being blown every moment and life reflects to me how quickly it can be taken away. That's what it is. India represents unpredictability, non-duality and shows impermanence right in your face so you can't ignore it. I've been comfortable in my little bubble and KNOWING its all going away, well...how would anyone react? With excitment at the opportunity of liberation from self-constructed neurosis, and terrified to loose what one clings to the most. Comfort and pleasure.

Oh yeah! India also represents second chances. I never thought I'd have a second chance. And, I have one now. I'm visiting places I didn't go last time. And, I'm taking extra batteries and extra memory sticks to take lots of pictures. I was too shy before. No, not now. I want to document my journey as I see it through my eyes....allow poetry of vision to slip through the lens. Its an audio-visual sensory delight.

In preparation, a few delightful montages I found that took me right back....

Near where I will be staying:

Where I will be my first week:

It Felt Love

2007-10-11T22:26:00.001-07:00

How
Did the rose
Ever open its heart
And give to this world
All its
Beauty?

It felt the encouragement of light
Against its
Being,

Otherwise,
We all remain

Too

Frightened.

--Hafiz

(I've been reading "The Gift")

Paying Attention

2007-10-11T16:41:00.000-07:00

If life is like a meditation, then we are also supposed to pay attention to the in between times, not just the inhale and the exhales. I write about the "in betweens" from time to time, and think about them a lot more. Lately, I seem to find myself there, in between. If I asked my mother, she'd say all this transitioning was a bad sign. It's something, and it hasn't been feeling very good recently. Some would also say that this transition period is a fertile period for growth, and is actually the time that the most growth and transformation can take place. While I might in some ways like to ignore this, I give pause here to consider its truth.

Life these days seems to be constructed around schedules and keeping busy. Goals. Accomplishing goals, moving on to the next goals, getting one thing, than another thing, finding, pursuing, filling time, filling the gaps. Some people are so busy there aren't any gaps left, except for sleeping. I was like that until three weeks ago. Busy, busy, busy. I'm still left with a partial plate, but all the big stuff is gone.

There is time for awareness. And, if I practiced my meditations more, I could even say I utilized that more. For, what I am seeing is how I am relating when I'm not busy, busy, busy. It's interesting what rolls around in my brain. Even more so, I'm amazed at my life. The people in it, the people not in it, the patterns that are so plainly there that I was too busy to see, the desires of my heart, the sadness, the pain, the loneliness, the joyous excitement in getting to spend a day doing whatever I like, the part of me so happy to indulge in guilty pleasures, the part of me that is growing more and more worried about practical matters as the calender days get ticked off. One by one.

I'm ticking off my list of cycles I need to close, watching people re-appear in my life in unusual ways to remind me either of lessons to remember, or lessons I still need to learn. It's been a time of apologies, of making peace with myself, of getting aligned with a new vision and watching what happens when things start to come into play, fall away and reveal something new, as transitions often do.

I was on the phone with my friend today. She reminded me that there is always a flux of energy. Yeah. It's like the tide. Sometimes it is so high and pouring in, sometimes it out and low. Now, it is out and low. My heart feels raw in the lowness of its waning tide. I haven't felt it in so long, I forgot what was in there. It's a beautiful thing. All of this. It's beautiful to learn how to pay attention when I don't want to. Here. In my life right now.

Hafiz wrote:

Don't surrender
Your loneliness so quickly
Let it cut more deep

Let it ferment and season you
As few human
Or even divine ingredients can

Something missing in my heart tonight
Has made my eyes so soft
My voice so tender

My need of God
Absolutely clear.

Nobody Thinks About Death at the Supermarket

2007-09-19T23:49:00.001-07:00

Nobody thinks about death at the supermarket.

Nobody really thinks about death. Not until it’s time to think about death, or until someone else dies. Or, watching a movie about people who find out they are going to die and how they end up managing the remaining fragments of their existence. I watched a movie just like this today, and the other day. Not sure what I had in mind for my Netflix que at that time, but it couldn’t have come to me under better circumstances. I enjoyed “My Life Without Me,” but it left me with something to contemplate.

I watched this film touched that the character rises to wisdom and fully loving every person in her life, finding compassion and grace and opening to what she always wanted from life. Suddenly, she got the perspective that she isn’t going to continue on the way she is forever. Suddenly, her life meant something.

All of our lives mean something.

The truth is we are all going to die. I am going to die. It doesn’t matter if I have the information that it will happen in a certain period of time from now, or not. I will die. Am I living my life now holding that perspective that I will eventually die? I don’t mean to be morbid. I think that in order to fully be alive, death needs to be fully embraced. To fully feel means to also experience emptiness. How much of the crap in my own head would I not worry about if I knew I’d die next month? Not even 90% of it. So, why can’t I just do this for myself now? Why can’t we all do this for each other? It’s so easy to lose perspective when living day-to-day existence.

Yesterday, I climbed to the top of Indian Rock with a friend of mine. Space. There was a an incredible spaciousness in the view stretching out across the Bay, encompassing two bridges, many cities, miles and miles of trees, sky and water. The wind was blowing across the stillness of the expanse and, yet, there was so much movement in each detail below…cars driving, birds flying, people moving. This is what our lives are like, but it’s so easy to forget the bigger picture. The expansiveness of this life, of our own lives, of our minds, of our hearts and of the intimate connections we have with others. It’s so huge and vast, yet so fleeting and small at the same time…

Once. In This Lifetime.

2007-08-08T23:00:00.000-07:00

Last night, I had one of those experiences that people tell you only happen once in your lifetime. Maybe that's true. I still have quite a bit of this lifetime left, at least I'd like to think so (therefore acknowledging the legitimacy of that little thing called unpredictable impermanence.) I digress...

It was late last night. And, I was tired. We went to say goodbye to L. who is going back to India. Spending time with him is always unpredictable, sometimes complex, sometimes confusing and always funny. I was telling him that I wanted to get going soon and, barely looking up from the receipts he was meticulously sifting through, says he thinks we should stay. Vague. Typical. Then, he looks up and says "He is almost here. I think you should wait." He? Just then, the door opens and a bunch of people walk in, including a short Tibetan woman carrying plastic bags filled with hot, heavy smelling food. Then, HE walks in.

You might wonder who HE is, and I've contemplated telling you. But, in the spirit or preserving something sacred about this whole event, let's just say HE is a pretty big deal. He's got a lot of backing from a lot of Buddhas from the three times. Something like that. HE walks in, goes up the stairs and disappears. A few people go up the stairs to see him. About ten minutes later a monk comes to collect me and my friend. We're going up the stairs and I realize what is happening and tried to remember everything I ever learned about how to behave in the presence of someone like this. Then...

The moments came. Into the room, I became enveloped with this sense of reverence that possessed me from another time as I knelt on the floor before him. Every pore of my body became sensitive to his presence, not wanting to miss a moment or a word or an inflection. Soft incantations in another language, placing his hand softly on my face, I felt father...what I imagine it would be like to be embraced with the love of a kind, sweet, caring, compassionate present father...His hand was soft on my cheek as I received his words and my heart softened, becoming nearly childlike receiving his gift. As he removed his hand, he pulled away sadness stuck deep in my heart. It left me, as the lines of a good poem get lost from the mind. Humbled, grateful....moments later thanking him, bowing, I floated to my car...being lead by my heart, which felt as though it was flying like a butterfly inside my chest, free, happy, clear and relieved.

I thank whatever goodness manifested this in my life and apologize to the universe for complaining so much about not always getting my requests quite right. I get that you are hearing me.

Love.

The Poetry of a Moment

2007-08-06T22:06:00.000-07:00

“Time doesn’t create amnesia,”
she says.
she traces her finger
through a pool
of her tears
her pain
streams salty
from ancient oceans
burning the blue
in her eyes.

Is there such a thing as starting over?

2007-08-02T19:04:00.000-07:00

I recently made a big decision. Well, everyone keeps telling me it's big. It doesn't feel that big to me. I decided to take a break from school for a year to work, get myself more situated and grounded in relation to the old Ben Franklins and travel. I feel pretty good about it, but there is a small voice in the back of my head asking, "What if you aren't able to do it?" I've largely been ignoring this little voice, but I also see the truth that is swimming beneath the doubt.

How many times have I tried to "start over" and get on track? Countless. Sometimes they've worked, other time I think I managed to get myself in the lobby and settled for that. Is there really such a thing as starting over? I suppose we can't ever really start over since we've already begun, and there really never is any going back.

So, perhaps my resolve this time of year shouldn't be about "starting over" in order to get it right. I need to get it right with right now, and change what is to what can be, and what I'd like it to be. This, however, feels rather intimidating. It seems like it's always easier to get into the mess than out of the mess. Getting out takes a lot more discipline, will and maintenance. What's so wrong with that? Nothing, except the fact that I have to give up being lazy and it is easier to not care. Except, I don't want to not care because frankly I deserve more than that.

Yes. So I am taking a year off to get right with myself. To get real, to discover the obstacles I have created for myself and transmute them...move through them....build, repay and create something different for myself to look forward to in the future.

And, then...I'm going to India.